|
Dr.
Phil's Words of Wisdom
(as seen on The Late Show with David Letterman) |
| 1. Do you realize that you can't play the game of life with sweaty palms? |
| 2. Sometimes it's hard to see your own face without a mirror. |
| 3. Perfectionism itself is an imperfection. |
| 4. You know your authentic self when you know who you truly are. |
| 5. If you're standing on a hot highway, you try to get off on the cool grass. |
| 6. It isn't about dreams, it's about a real clear plan, a timeline, and having some outcome criteria. |
| 7. It is what it is, the only time is now. |
| 8. I've had a vasectomy, and I've had it reversed! |
| 9. I wanna be Miss America. |
| 10. I'm gonna go back to my boyfriend when I get home. |
| 11. I do yell at my children and I don't know how to stop. |
| 12. I'm not even remotely qualified. |
| 13. From this point forward I want you to start living as a gay woman. |
| 14. Do you want a piece of me lady? |
| 15. You're fat, stupid, and a pig. |
| 16. Are you nuts? |
| 17. So I'm telling you now, I've had an affair. |
| 18. You bastard! |
| 19. You're not worth the trouble. |
| 20. Oh, I'm just casually taking heroin. |
| 21. Don't think you don't know what you don't know, only you know that. |
| 22. Don't give me that sarcastic crap! |
| 23. Cookin' is women's work. |
| 24. If I have to cry, then I'll cry. If crying doesn't get it done, then alright, I'll start choking. |
| 25. Boy, if I could get my hands on you. |
| 26. I would eat Coco Puffs if I got hungry enough. |
| 27. You say another word, I'm gonna fine you ten thousand dollars a word. |
| 28. Don't you ever talk to my wife that way again. |
| 29. A year from now, you're gonna weigh more or less than what you do right now. |
| 30. I'm offering you sex. |
| 31. I'm ready to throw up. |
| 32. (to a young girl) You're not a good person. |
| 33. I consider myself to perhaps be the worst marital therapist ever. |
| 34. You just have no redeeming qualities...no...nothing. |
| 35. I know one woman who cannot close her eyes. |
| 36. When I was like...4th, 5th, 6th, 7th grade, I raised pigeons. |
| 37. Put some leaves in my mouth and set 'em on fire. |
| 38. You've gotta kiss my ass now that I've got this money. |
| 39. Disaster is gonna befall you. |
| 40. You're a bitch! |
| 41. The day's OK, and then I smoke dope and get over it. |
| 42. Kids hate me. |
| 43. I want you to make two separate trips to the cemetery. |
| 44. Quit interrupting! |
| 45. Daddy loves you. |
| 46. You can't fire me, I quit! |
| 47. Yeah, whatever. |
|
48. (talking to a man) I want you to know I love you and I think you're special and I'm gonna tell you that a lot. |
| 49. I'm a drunk pimp. |
| 50. I don't care what I weigh! |
| 51. I hit my head and I was dizzy. |
| 52. I can't believe you aren't happy for me, you wretched bitch. |
| 53. You don't wanna be here, trust me. |
| 54. I've been miserable for 40 years. |
| 55. You're driving me nuts. |
| 56. What a complete and utter load of crap! |
| 57. I can't believe that she would have sex with you at all! |
| 58. I find you boring. |
| 59. You're just dumber than a rock. |
| 60. Get horny and call me. |
| 61. What? |
| 62. I'm a three-time loser and destined for a life alone. |
| 63. I in fact pick on weaker kids because I think it's funny. |
| 64. I'll beat the crap out of you. |
| 65. I don't know what I'm doing. |
| 66. Call your wife a bitch. |
| 67. Ninety percent of people are stupid. |
| 68. You know what? I'm a big boy. |
| 69. I couldn't care less. |
| 70. Are you people deaf? |
| 71. I was absolutely insufferable before you married me! |
| 72. I think I got the flu. |
| 73. Just lock the door and take a bubble bath. |
| 74. Why don't you shut up? |
| 75. You couldn't be any dumber if we cut your head off. |
| 76. Hey, look at me! |
| 77. Duh. |
| 78. My ears are getting red. |
| 79. Jay Leno is one of my favorites. |
| 80. Let's not hurt me, I'm a princess. |
| 81. I'm wondering if you got a hole in your head. |
| 82. One of us is a fool. |
| 83. Somebody is trying to kill me. |
| 84. When I spit at my mother, bad things happen. |
| 85. You are smug and insincere. |
| 86. I'm scared, I'm scared, I'm scared, can I get in bed with you? |
| 87. Come on. |
| 88. Hell, I don't know. |
| 89. You're a loser. |
| 90. You just are worthless. |
| 91. You're crazy. |
| 92. Just wanted to let you all know, I'm insane. |
| 93. I'm not actually bald. |
| 94. I am so boring and so dull. |
| 95. I want you to change, so do it. |
| 96. Call your wife a bitch. |
| 97. Are you people deaf? |
| 98. I'm smug and insincere. |
| 99. I'm not even remotely qualified. |
| 100. You're a big fat goony-bird. |
|
Dave
Letterman's Words of Wisdom
|
| 1. I think being a lesbian is a lifetime commitment. |
|
Mike
Tyson's Words of Wisdom
|
| 1. I'm so messed up, man. I just need to get my life together, brother. |